INFJ Musings

The more I age, the more my admiration is sparked by the quiet humility of those who have lived and who keep quiet about having lived. There is grace and modesty in true wisdom.

I love the greyness of age, with its nebulous thoughts, its gentle ideas that roam without ever seizing upon a truth. I love this refusal to reveal one’s experience, this silent resolve to let others learn and grow of themselves.

I love age. I love its contemplation, its determination to abstain from judgment, its compassion for others and its ability to step aside gracefully and just observe.

I think in the next years of my life, I shall be doing a lot of observing. Self-effacement is a joyous thing.

The more I age, the more astounded I am with the arrogance of youth, the self-sufficiency of those who judge and who by way of remarkable shortcuts of the mind, arrive to simplistic conclusions about all things.

Every day, the same song repeats and tires me.

Who am I? What am I thinking? Did you understand my motivations? I see by the judgment you pronounce and what you say to me that you err in your understanding and behold, this confidence you have, how it thrives, how your eloquent voice resounds to all who may hear and you, you really think you know me, that you know all. How do you do it?

I make no attempt to shift your assessment. I leave you with that understanding, the one you made, in your haste to judge, I leave you to maintain your erroneous belief because I know that it is the only thing you are capable of ever grasping. I do that to my detriment, even though it wounds my honor, but I live content in the belief that I will never have to explain myself to those who truly see me rather than project onto me.

Never mind all that. Be safe with your judgment and be content knowing that your judgment serves you. After all, it was designed to serve you and uphold all that you are. Your judgments are reflections of your soul, and the faster, the more nimble your mind is at forming them, the more ingrained your attitudes, the more unbending your spirit. You live for your judgment because through it, you assert your ephemeral self in the hope it will live forever.

But I love, love the ephemeral. I love the way it floats aimlessly, I love its caress and the thin veil that exists between it and nothingness. I am not afraid of nothingness, the abyss does not threaten my ego. I care little about having an opinion; I can settle with just feeling your soul.

Because I can feel your soul, did you know that?

I have eyes where the mind does not go.  Your motions are just memories to me.

All of this, it will mean nothing to you. How well you ground yourself to the concrete, I wish I could know it all, like you do. How do you do it?

As for me, vague I remain. And in this vagueness, there exists the universe, and within it, you and I, we are consumed and disappear.

Four with a Five Wing

Yes, it's all true. I'm a loner. 

From the age of five, when I preferred to roam the playground alone, lost in thoughts, rather than play with other children, right up to my insistence, as an adult, on having lunch by myself every day at work - despite invitations from co-workers that I do like - I mostly enjoy being alone.

I live in my head, and I imagine things that make me wonder, at times, if the likes of Salvador Dali and Patricia Highsmith have not found a corner of my brain from which they command me to do their bidding.

Over almost four decades, I have had to surmount extremes in introversion and sensitivity, in order to function 'normally' in a predominantly extroverted world that abounds with stimulus.

Beneath the seemingly aloof, collected veneer, I am constantly adjusting, recovering, and moderating my own - often violent - reactions to what I perceive as overbearing, crippling and vivid stimulus, all around me.  I am getting better at it...

Human micro-expressions, voice tones, traffic noise, bright lights, weather changes, intonations of conflict, loud music - the world can be an overly jarring place, and only in the comfort of my own mind or else, in nature's embrace, can I find true peace.

Living this life can be exhausting and I am often physically tired, in need of an escape, or else riddled with migraines.

Call me precious. One day I will find a balance!

My Enneagram type is Four. Many writers who have delved into the ancient Sufi philosophy which is the Enneagram, will discover that they are Fours. As such, it is hardly unique.

Still, I could not help but smile at this apt comic interpretations by Clare Cherikoff:

And then there is this, which is my subtype:

"The Four with a Five Wing"

 It is so spot on that I just had to share some quotes from: http://enneagram.tribe.net/thread/beb08410-b129-4c19-b32a-0ede58786629

Healthy, gifted individuals of this subtype are probably the most profoundly creative of all the types because they combine intuition with insight, emotional sensitivity with intellectual comprehension, frequently with stunningly original, even prophetic, results. 

 This is where I hope to be someday: prophetic; but I am not there, yet. Some of my novel characters are certainly prophetic, and so I can relate to this. This statement accurately encapsulates my aspirations.

Four with a Five-wing burn brighter than Fours with a Three-wing, but at the risk of burning themselves out faster.

 Hence the migraines. Hence the recurring exhaustion with everything, and with living...

Average persons of this subtype are given not merely to self-absorption, but to philosophical and religious speculation. Their emotional world is the dominant reality, but with a strong intellectual cast. People of this subtype tend to be extreme loners, more lacking in social connectedness than the other subtype.  

This entire post is an example of the said self-absorption.  

Thus, their artistic expressions more completely substitute for the person than in Fours with a Three-wing. 

 This last point is interesting. There have been situations where, by no fault of my own, I have fooled people into thinking that they know me, when all they actually know is my artistic expression (whether in writing or visually expressed, especially through clothing). Humans are awfully simplistic and will use all manner of heuristics, judgments or else incorporate prejudices of all sorts in order to arrive at an opinion of someone. 

These people also frequently have an otherworldly, ethereal quality about them; they are extremely independent and unconventional to the point of eccentricity. They also tend to be secretive, intensely preoccupied with their thoughts 

 Are you kidding? I live in my head; I float outside of my body; no, wait...do I have a body? 

and purposely enigmatic in their self-expressions. 

*Smiles* 
Let us just say, that if I do not wish to share something with someone, I won't.  At the same time,  I can make it appear as though I have just shared a large part of myself, while in fact, I have revealed nothing. 

Their creative ideas may also be somewhat unusual, possibly even surreal 

I swim in the surreal and so I completely agree with this. 

 Members of this subtype care little for communicating with those who cannot understand them. 

Most people can't and won't suffer an eccentric (and they are absolutely justified). I would much rather not burden them. 

The Ultimate Betrayal

Whenever there is betrayal in a relationship, the world often seems as though it is collapsing around us.

Nobody wants to hurt. And in most relationships, especially those where the attachment between the parties is not yet secure, there is always an initial fear of being cheated on. I know couples who have put a stop to or sabotaged their relationship for years out of this fear of being cheated on. It seems these couples preempt betrayal even though it has not taken place (and perhaps never will). Yet they are so crippled by the fear of betrayal that they will, out of anxiety and insecurity, inject toxins in their otherwise harmonious relationship.
Luckily this fear diminishes over time with a secure, happy relationship. But it takes time. 

The interesting thing about this fear and with many fears, including that of being handicapped, is that they are actually irrational. No one has ever died from betrayal.

Such fears undermine the human spirit. Yes, at a psychological level, these fears point to insecurities and an inability to cope with any ego-threat. One must rise above perceived ego-threats or one is soon at the mercy of so many events in life. Developing self-esteem is very important for dealing with such fears but so too is conceiving the strength of the human spirit.  

One must trust in the human spirit and its ability to overcome setbacks. Studies suggest that people who have suffered an accident and became handicapped showed more resilience and turned out happier than they ever thought they could be when envisaging any handicap. Similarly, people who have felt betrayed and heart-broken by a past relationship erroneously believe, at the time that their depressed state will continue with them for years and that they will never be able to love or trust again. 

But this is not the case.

It is surprising too, how the weakest, most defenceless human can in fact overcome betrayal. Let me tell you a story...

I have suffered the ultimate betrayal. No. None of my partners have cheated on me. And no, for the most part, my friends have not broken my trust.

The ultimate betrayal came for me as a ten months old baby when I was abandoned by my mother. 

Now I say 'abandoned' because technically, from the point of view of baby Laura, that is what it was. I must have felt terrible as I burst into yet another colic fit, wondering where my mum was. It was clear that she was no longer there for me.
This is not the place to dwell on the reasons she let me go but needless to say, my happiness and comfort were very much a priority and I was well cared for where I was.

Unfortunately at this age, one does not know 'what is good'.  If one were to ask a child then, 'what is good',  is to be with mum.

From eight months, I would have already entered that phase developmental psychologists describe as an important emotional attachment phase.  This means I knew who my mother was. I had begun walking and so I recognised her and I was probably emotionally attached to her.  As a result, any feelings of betrayal I would have had were more pronounced than if our separation had occurred much earlier. Consider also that as a ten month old baby, I was still in the trust vs. mistrust phase described by Erikson and betrayal during this phase is damaging to trust, perhaps more so than at any part of adult life.

So enough of the psychology...I was sent away to live for two years with my grandmother, my Mamy. During that time, I believe I was happy. The proof, was that I am strongly attached to my grandmother even now.

My second birthday in my Mamy's arms, France

But what is disturbing is that when I was separated from my grandmother to be reunited with my mum, I did not recognise my mum.
It turned out that I had become so attached to my grandmother that this second separation from a caregiver also had a terrible impact on me.

I had nightmares. I was constantly afraid. I had screaming fits at night. And I was convinced that my 'new' mum was an evil witch.

What did I have to cope? What defences could I, a three year old toddler, summon to overcome this horrible feeling of dejection and  disempowerment, to overcome this anger and this feeling of betrayal? To have been betrayed not once but twice was too much than I could bear.  I had no recollection of the first betrayal since, after all, I had been too young at the time, but the sum of it felt enormous within me.

I felt like a roaming orphan. I identified with Penny from The Rescuers and I had no doubt that Madame Medusa was my mother. It did not help that my mum was fond of jewelry...

I think it took years, but I overcame those nagging feelings of emptiness, the knot in my throat, the self-esteem issues. And most of all, I grew to love my mum.

Today I understand her and what she went through. Again, this post is not the scope to dwell on her reasons.

But the gist of this story is that people are too complex to be tied to set relationship paradigms. In this case, the situation demanded that my mum let me go despite the adage that 'mothers should not abandon their infants.' Is betrayal easy? How many mothers would be ready to do what my mum did? Believe me, to do something like this takes much courage. But it also takes a genuine need...

We must learn to understand that the betrayal we feel does not often stem from malicious intent in others, nor does it necessarily have its origins from the weakness and deceit in others. The answers are much more complex. 

At the time of experiencing betrayal, we always think it is the end of the world, that our soul has been trampled on, our egos trashed and that those who are betraying us are evidently manifesting some dark side of their personality. That they have failed us...

But often those who 'betray' us -- and by betrayal, I don't mean physical and emotional abuse which I do not condone, but rather abandonment, separation and loss of engagement -- yes, those who 'betray' us are experiencing their own demons and their own limitations. Often their own needs are not being met within the relationship and they must go elsewhere to have those needs met, to grow as a person, to experience peace. My mother did not stop loving me during those two years when she gave me up. But she needed those two years for herself. What has love got to do with anything? And was she necessarily selfish do you think, for taking that time? I don't think so.

I have learnt that our self-integrity is an important part of who we are, it is the foundation of our beings and any destabilisation in our self-integrity poses a threat to our sense of self. Unless we choose to live in a closed box, unless we have adopted unchanging and dogmatic attitudes and have completely stopped growing, then, who we think we are is constantly evolving. And as it does, over the years, often we achieve self-integrity by ensuring that what we do aligns itself with our values and beliefs. We may also change our way of thinking to accommodate what we perceive our recent behaviours to be, all for the purpose of aligning our attitudes with our actions and help achieve self-integrity. 

Doing what we believe is right, running away from paradigms that would in any way shackle us or limit us, is integral to self-integrity and ultimately to human happiness. And yes, there are times when it will appear as though we are betraying others, but this is all part of ensuring that we do not betray ourselves.  

The alternative: poor self-integrity and a shaky sense of self, are dangerous propositions. These do not lead to happiness nor do they help the parties in any relationship. They render us petty, envious, bitter, resentful, controlling and dissatisfied. 

It is true, nobody wants to hurt.  Yet understanding less-than-perfect human behaviors is crucial for processing feelings of betrayal and ultimately, for overcoming their negative impact.

Tools for Nurturing the Self - And Is Bragging Necessarily Bad?

One of the themes in social psychology is the concept of self-esteem and the desire that all individuals have to maintain a positive sense of self. That is, people have a genuine need to know that they are valuable and that in comparison to others, their worth is significant.

This need to maintain a positive sense of self is present in all people. It drives our behaviour, whether consciously or subconsciously, through mechanisms that are often subtle and others that are so obvious as to be unfavorably seen by others. Does this mean we are a narcissistic bunch? Not necessarily. In fact narcissism is more complex than that.

Simba likes to brag about being King
Perhaps the best example of a self-boosting behavior that is not so well seen by others is the act of bragging. An individual who self-promotes to feel good about themselves is using the not so subtle behaviour of publicly sharing and expressing their abilities or achievements. This often invites scorn from some people. I don't think it should.

Before I explain why, I want to outline some of the mechanisms through which individuals maintain a sense of worth. My experience has been that no one is immune to these strategies and we have each performed one of these at least once in our lives.

Comparisons
At the very least, individuals will compare themselves with friends, family members and those in their social or work circles. The dimension of comparison really depends on what an individual values.
For example, if I value intellect, I would compare my intellect with the intellect of those I know. If I were to value material gain, I would compare my wealth or earning capacity with those I know.

Social comparison is not necessarily a competitive streak. The aim of social comparison is not to come out on top in every dimension but to feel a sense of worth by knowing that in at least a few dimensions, an individual compares favorably with others. This adds to one's sense of worth.

The difference between competitiveness and social comparison is that a competitive person will aim to better others in any field or activity, regardless of whether they actually value the activity in the first place.
Social comparison is normally aimed at achieving a sense of worth without upsetting harmony between individuals. For example, I may be threatened that my sister is a better dancer than I am, if I value dancing. In order to feel better about myself, I will use another valuable dimension in my comparison. For example, it may be that I am a better cook than my sister, or that I have a better sense of style. By performing the comparison using dimensions where I have an advantage, such as cooking ability or style, rather than dancing, I can maintain self-worth.

Snow White Queen - Some Comparisons Don't Pay
Interestingly enough, when people first meet, they will size each other up. You will notice that in the first month (often year) or so of getting to know each other, two people exchange skills, achievements and experience. There is obviously some mutual reckoning of common interests to determine where they can strike a friendship, or maybe find points of discussion. But in many cases, there might also be a subtle social comparison in progress which allows each person to 'know their place' and evaluate their own worth vis a vis the other person by systematically comparing multiple dimensions to see how they rate against the other person. Again, nothing competitive, just a way for individuals to know they are valuable.

Devaluing
A more negative tendency of individuals for maintaining self-worth is the act of devaluing others. Simply put, an individual who feels threatened because they find someone else has a greater aptitude for something or possesses an attribute that they do not, will devalue this skill or attribute. By devaluing what others have, the individual comes out on top and maintains self-worth.

An example is if I tell someone I am buying a house and this person, who values property and perhaps had previously considered buying a house but could not secure a loan, suddenly declares that they wouldn't buy a house in this country anyway or, that they prefer to buy elsewhere or, that they prefer to travel rather than buy a house.

By changing their attitude towards buying a house, the person would no longer feel threatened with my purchase, since it would no longer be something they desire. Their self-worth is maintained with the elimination of this threat.

Cinderella is branded a thief by her step-sisters
Moralising
An even more negative strategy for maintaining self-worth is the act of moralising.
The classic example is when less attractive women make moral judgments on other women that they deem more attractive. It is arguable that many women desire physical attractiveness, meaning that attractiveness happens to be a dimension that women tend to use in their social comparison.

A woman who finds herself continually upstaged by others in this dimension, may resort to moralising, that is finding behaviors in the more attractive woman that lessen her moral (or intellectual!) worth, hence shifting the balance in the social comparison. By moralising, the less attractive woman can persuade herself that she has nothing to envy from someone as 'loose' or 'stuck up' or 'vain' or 'shallow' as the more attractive woman.

The reason why this strategy is so negative is that often, the act of moralising relies on people sharing their moral observations in public. As a result, an unfortunate person may find themselves scorned for their so-called moral failings simply because an individual happened to need an ego-boost.

Basking in other people's glory
Another strategy, notably on Facebook, is the Basking in other people's glory.

To boost their self-worth, an individual may befriend people whose qualities they value and admire and who are also seen by the public as a success in their chosen field.

Through public interaction with successful people or the sharing of their friends' success in public, an individual basks in their glory, that is to say, they behave in the hope that their successful contacts' admirable qualities will rub off on them, hence achieving to raise their sense of worth. I know, I have been guilty of that.

As an extreme case scenario, this phenomenon is the reason why people who are deemed powerful, successful, popular or professionally talented, somehow acquire such fervent Facebook followings and have the most Likes on their status!
In fact, on Facebook, I have observed modest talents along their rise to success such that as they became increasingly more successful, the rate at which their friends commented on their status or liked their status increased dramatically and not necessarily because they suddenly had more friends over time (although this also happens), or because these friends always believed in their abilities. Hardly.

Whatever Happened to Baby Jane - Self-worth at all costs

Putting Others Down
This is an insecure and often nasty way of maintaining self-worth. This is different from devaluing which is effectively a change in attitude resulting from a need to avoid a threat to our sense of worth.

When an individual puts another person down, they are behaving reactively. In fact, what usually happens is that the person they put down actually compared favorably in a particular dimension or even a number of them. The individual is often deeply insecure and as such, they resent the feeling of threat that the other person has inadvertently instilled inside them due to their skill or attributes. In general, as I've explained, this threat is undesirable. But it is more so for an already insecure individual. The insecure individual begins to resent the other person, even becoming angry with them. In order to establish a balance, they will react by putting the other person down. By putting the other person down, they can feel better about themselves.

Identification
This is actually an offshoot of the Freudian defence mechanism of partial identification.
By publicly identifying with a cause, idea, celebrity or other public figure known for their good qualities, a person behaves in the hope that these good qualities will rub off on them. Identification seeks to raise the person's worth in the eyes of others through endorsement of causes, ideas, celebrities and other public figures that are seen as highly worthy.

Idolisation
If we were to compare ourselves with celebrities, scientific geniuses, tycoons and other individuals deemed by us to be highly successful or freaking amazing, we would feel terrible. How can we compare ourselves to individuals that are seen either by history or contemporary masses to be prodigious in one dimension or another? To do so would do nothing for our sense of worth. We would fail miserably in all aspects of social comparison.

No one can be that Bad...
In fact we don't compare ourselves to them. Instead, we idolise them. We put them on a pedestal such that they are untouchable and represent an unattainable goal for mere mortals. By idolising such people, we tell ourselves that any comparison with them is ridiculous, after all, "you can't compare yourself with a god", hence protecting our sense of worth which would otherwise take a battering.

One of the questions I ask myself when I think about this strategy is, at what point do people acquire idol status? That is, when does an individual make the decision to stop comparing themselves with another because they now recognise that this other person is out of their league? It would be interesting to measure this.
I think it would possibly depend on the individual's self-esteem. For example, a film maker with a huge sense of self-worth will not shirk away from comparing themselves to Hitchcock or Mel Gibson. But a film maker with an average self-esteem, who has maybe made two modest features will only compare themselves to those in their own field with the same number and quality of features under their belt. Conversely, a film maker with low self-esteem will somehow find more comfort comparing themselves to budding film students who they believe pose little threat and with whom they can most often compare favourably.

Self-Affirmation
Apart from social comparisons and basking in other people's glory, there are other means through which individuals maintain their self-worth or integrity.
One of these is the act of expressing one's beliefs, achievements or attitudes.
This aims to reassert what an individual values and helps to safeguard their integrity.

According to research, self-affirmation protects an individual from any event that constitutes an ego-threat. For example, being taken over by other's will, either through persuasion, force, authority or other means all constitute a threat to a person's integrity and is therefore an ego threat. That is, people want to know they are in control of their own selves. No one likes to lose control to another.
Often however, individuals encounter scenarios where they will feel taken over by others. Self-affirmation serves as a way to reestablish their integrity and sense of worth. This could be anything from bragging, talking about what they believe, Tweeting an attitude, re-asserting a belief, sharing an achievement on Facebook, wearing a particular item of clothing and the whole gamut of human self-expression.

As an example of an ego-threat, imagine that you are a full-time mum and you attend a party where every other mum also has a professional occupation and together they spend considerable time swapping anecdotes about their job and sharing how much they enjoy 'juggling it all' both at home and at work. After the party is over, some full-time mums would not even feel an ego-threat. But what if you did? What if you went home and felt that something had crawled underneath your skin...cognitive dissonance might be one way to put it. Then, it is very possible that you may resort to self-affirmation. So you may, for example, update your Facebook status with something like:

"I love spending quality time with my children. It is priceless."

What a caring mother she is! But this status is more than just a noble or seemingly caring statement, it is actually a tool for self-affirmation through which you would re-affirm your decision to spend time at home. Underlying the expression of your no-doubt noble sentiment is the conviction that by spending time at home, you, more than the other mothers you met at the party, can give quality time to your children and no money in the world can replace this. This brilliant self-affirmation restores your self-worth.
That is just one example. The internet is crawling with them. Some more subtle than others...

Martin Luther King - no stranger to self-affirmation
Now that I have outlined these mechanisms, I want to return to my initial example of bragging. Bragging, as I have just explained, may just be a form of self-affirmation. Bragging, especially when it is supported by a verifiable aptitude or skill, should not be seen negatively by others. It is unfortunate that bragging or any form of self-promotion so often invites scorn.
Perhaps this scorn is just a form of moralising and in fact, those who have a low tolerance for braggers often happen to be, interestingly enough, people with low self-esteem. My personal belief is that it is impossible for a mature, secure individual to feel threatened by the self-promotion of others.

If you believe you have something worthy to share, be proud of it.